Older Couple needs immediate assistance

[Ray Tuley]

Greetings.I am a 58 year old male and the love of my life is a bit older than myself. We need help in the worst way. My lady was living under circumstances that were less than ideal in L.A. 4 months ago. She was there partially because we had separated due to some incredible stupidity on my part, and also because being with her mother who was terminally ill and needed someone there to help care for her was a good choice. We kept in touch , and as my life began to change without her near me, I realized how wrong I had been and set about the attempt to make amends with her. Her living situation in L.A. had become toxic for her, her mother had passed, and we began to talk about her coming back up here. She was experiencing problems with her legs and the resulting mobility issues.

I had previously posted ads for housing for myself in exchange for caregiving duties and had received an interesting response. I could help this person with keeping up their property, and in exchange I could live there in a small trailer. This sounded like the ideal situation for my lady and me and so she moved back here. At first the trailer gig seemed to work out but then my lady hurt her back pulling weeds for this person, and we had to take her to the emergency room on 4 different occasions within 3 weeks. Since this property owner was not in the least bit interested in her health, but only that his weeds were pulled, we left there and began living in the back of her Blazer.

This was a huge letdown for us both, because for one, it is illegal to be homeless in this state. She handled it as best she could, and it was working to some small degree, but then, as we had finally found what we thought was a safe place to park for a few nights, it all went south.

Expand

Expand

My lady was attacked and mauled by a viscous dog, and had to be taken to the E.R. by ambulance. Her truck, which had some problems anyway, decided that my chasing the ambulance from Guerneville to Santa Rosa, would not do, and the parking lot at Sutter hospital was as far as it made it. The security staff there made sure I felt like a criminal because I couldn't drive away and had to spend the night in the parking lot, and even went so far as to threaten to have me arrested.

Now our home along with our mobility, is gone. This has had a devastating effect on us. My lady wakes up crying every morning and I feel like the most worthless scum on the planet because I cannot provide for her. She cannot hear a dog bark without freaking out. She has nightmares and wakes up screaming or crying or both. We have no place to go, and we've discovered that any help that is available is not for couples. It seems as though if the system offers anything, it comes with many stipulations, one of which is that couples cannot be couples, and must be segregated by sex.

I have no income since SSI decided that my mom's inheritance to me somehow makes me less disabled and cut me off of the monthly allowance I had been receiving since 2003. As a result of that decision, I have had to sell anything I had bought with my inheritance, (which wasn't all that much ) become homeless because of no income, and had the remainder of my belongings ripped off, mostly by people pretending to be my friends and who only“wanted to help”.

My girlfriend is saying things I have never heard her say, negative things, and she has me worried. The state of our mental health is slippery at best. She has never been in this low of a position, and I can see her deteriorating before my very eyes. I am so depressed and helpless that I am not thinking too clearly either. This ad might be proof of this, but it is all I can think to do. I need help for her because she is the love of my life and I would gladly give my life to ensure her health and happiness, and my helplessness at being able to protect and provide for her properly is killing me.

And, no, we aren't drug addicts or alcoholics. I dislike the pharmaceutical industry so much that I don't even take the heart meds I'm supposed to. We are just an average older couple that have been kicked down so low, that we're afraid we might never see daylight again. At present, we have been given a few days to live in the bed of a pickup in the garage of a friend and are grateful for that. But that will soon go away too, and I'm not so sure my girl will make it on the streets. We are too old for that, so... We're not looking for a handout, just a hand. Any help offered will be greatly appreciated.

[Ray Tuley]

update 5/25/2013

I rescind my plea for assistance. It appears as if a "conscious community" exists in name only, or that marches and protests to save some things or some people thousands of miles away are in our consciousness, since they are so distant and removed from our little protective shell, but a serious issue such as homelessness is an embarrassment to us, since it's right under our noses. Or maybe it's because we can all put on that beatific smile and congratulate each other on filling out a form to help a certain type of person we consider less than, while ignoring people who are our neighbors for not sharing our belief system, or for choosing to walk a different path. I was laboring under the illusion that a so-called "conscious community" was filled with loving caring souls, who cared about their fellow man. I never asked for money, housing, or anything other than maybe some kind words for my lady, or some ideas that might help, since our social programs are nothing more that a path which leads one to being dependent on them IF you do exactly as you're told, and conform to THEIR idea of what one should be or how one should act. I'm not Tibetan, I try to leave as small a footprint as possible, given what I have to work with, and I try to assist whenever I'm asked. But somehow, I seem to only encounter those who insist that their way is the only way and the right way. My ad clearly stated that we aren't looking for a handout, just a hand, yet that proved to be too much for the "conscious community". And here I thought that we had grown beyond the old "kick 'em while they're down" mentality, but I see now how mistaken I was. Perhaps things will change if any of the ones who see someone laying in the street asking for help, because of circumstances beyond their control, will stop judging by what their eyes tell them and listen to their heart instead. And believe me, I heard all the counterpoints that I'm sure will get thrown back at me for this post, and in response I can only say, "thanks for enlightening me."

[Orm Embar]

Hi Ray,

I don't read the wacco bulletin board very frequently, so I hope this response is not too late!

Your sense of hope is something that would be my biggest concern at the moment - hope that life will become easier . . . shelter will be available . . . help with navigating the paperwork and phone call maze required to get proper disability or retirement support, etc. It takes a lot of work/time/perseverance to get the help you need.

Do you know about the COTS program? If I were in your shoes I would contact them to get to know any resources they could direct me towards. I know they have wait lists, but there are still many resources available. This page has the COTS contact info: https://www.cots-homeless.org/index.php/get-help/

Your sweetie needs a lot of help to recover from the dog attack. Here are a couple of places I would contact:

Chrysalis community counseling services provides counseling support with fees based on income . . . I don't know what those fees are, or if they can completely waive fees, but it's worth checking out. They also may know of support services available to you. Phone number is (707) 545-1670.

Forestville Wellness Center

(707) 887-0290 (part of west county health services)

One-on-One Consultations & Treatments available at FWC:Group Visits are not the only options available at the Forestville Wellness Center. Our medical providers practice specialties such as Osteopathy, Acupuncture, and Integrative Medicine, and utilize herbal, homeopathic, and nutritional consultations and treatments as a complement to your traditional medical care.
Integrative Health ConsultsThese visits focus on nutrition, herbal medicines, homeopathy, healthy movement and other complementary, integrative medical tools for your health. Ideal for anyone, and especially valuable for people with sensitivities to conventional treatments or for whom conventional treatments have not been entirely successful. https://www.wchealth.org/site-info/388014-forestville-wellness-center

Are you in the Sebastopol Area? If so, you can call the local police department and ask what resources they can direct you towards. I know that may sound weird to a lot of people, but local PDs do have ways of connecting homeless folks with resources and the Sebastopol PD is a bit more friendly than those in other cities.

Hugs to you and your sweetie. I hope some of this info is helpful.

We are just an average older couple that have been kicked down so low, that we're afraid we might never see daylight again. At present, we have been given a few days to live in the bed of a pickup in the garage of a friend and are grateful for that. But that will soon go away too, and I'm not so sure my girl will make it on the streets. We are too old for that, so... We're not looking for a handout, just a hand. Any help offered will be greatly appreciated.

[Laguna Farm]

Dear Ray,
I am sorry you didn't find what you were asking for from our conscious community. In my experience with WACCO, people are generally very willing to help those in need when they can. I have seen beautiful expressions of generosity on this board and have used it as a vehicle to help others and find what I am looking for myself.

I did read your posting, as I read many of the "help needed" posts. I believe we all have something to offer and though my offerings may be limited, I read these posts to see if people are looking for something I have to give. When I read your initial post, in all honesty, my heart went out to you and your sweetie. I looked for what you were asking for and decided that I don't have the skills, resources or money to help you. I didn't see that you were seeking words of encouragement. If I had, I would have privately responded knowing that encouragement was well received and didn't fall flat as an insult when tangibles were really of request.

Just as a gentile suggestion that may help, maybe you could try again with a clear call for help that lists things that this community may have that could help you. I have found that those who make their needs and wishes clear are most often heard.
For example, if I read you post and you were seeking any of the following, I could have helped.
Moving boxes
Fresh produce
Extension ladder (to borrow)
Sewing machine (to borrow)
Blankets
Boy's clothing (size 10)
Letter writing
Instruction on how to ferment cabbage into kraut, make jam, pickle beets, and use a sewing machine...

Today alone, I saw a post from a man seeking money to get his car out of impound. (Sorry my brother, I don't have money to give, but I did pm him offering a ride if he needs it.) Then I saw a woman's post seeking a serger. I could have helped her, but mine is already lent out to someone else. I did make a mental note to call J.Y. and see if she is still using the serger because if she is not, someone else can put it to use.

So anyway, people are coming together and supporting one another. If anything, knowing this may give you the encouragement needed to move forward.

Be well,
Jennifer Branham

update 5/25/2013

I rescind my plea for assistance. It appears as if a "conscious community" exists in name only, or that marches and protests to save some things or some people thousands of miles away are in our consciousness, since they are so distant and removed from our little protective shell, but a serious issue such as homelessness is an embarrassment to us, since it's right under our noses. Or maybe it's because we can all put on that beatific smile and congratulate each other on filling out a form to help a certain type of person we consider less than, while ignoring people who are our neighbors for not sharing our belief system, or for choosing to walk a different path. I was laboring under the illusion that a so-called "conscious community" was filled with loving caring souls, who cared about their fellow man. I never asked for money, housing, or anything other than maybe some kind words for my lady, or some ideas that might help, since our social programs are nothing more that a path which leads one to being dependent on them IF you do exactly as you're told, and conform to THEIR idea of what one should be or how one should act. I'm not Tibetan, I try to leave as small a footprint as possible, given what I have to work with, and I try to assist whenever I'm asked. But somehow, I seem to only encounter those who insist that their way is the only way and the right way. My ad clearly stated that we aren't looking for a handout, not a hand, yet that proved to be too much for the "conscious community". And here I thought that we had grown beyond the old "kick 'em while they're down" mentality, but I see now how mistaken I was. Perhaps things will change if any of the ones who see someone laying in the street asking for help, because of circumstances beyond their control, will stop judging by what their eyes tell them and listen to their heart instead. And believe me, I heard all the counterpoints that I'm sure will get thrown back at me for this post, and in response I can only say, "thanks for enlightening me."

[Chris Dec]

Ray... as I sat reacting to and composing a response to your sad and angry post, Jennifer here said much of what I feel. Your outpouring of pain and loss and fear was palpable, and for that I am sure that everyone in this conscious community has some level of compassion.

I, too, was at a loss as to what I could provide, since you did not specify what you needed. A wish-list posted on this bulletin board can be magical - everyone has a blanket he can spare, or more pairs of socks than she needs. Often, all we need is an arrow pointing in the direction to take.

I imagine, too, that your anger at a society that could allow your life to become what it is, is justified. It deserves to be expressed and heard. However, to lash out to a community of potential support is not beneficial to anyone.

I assume you are considering yourself part of this conscious community. If so, a reminder: consciousness includes an open grace to allow that others could be in the same situation as, or a more dire one than, you.

That said, I think you have a point. It is far easier for a person, even a conscious community person, to give energy, money and aid to a popular cause - clicking on a Like button to sign a petition or assembling on a town square to hold up a sign that says Down with All Banks -than it is to find the will and the time to reach out to one person. We are all on a consciousness continuum, and where each of us falls on that spectrum could always be pushed up a notch. Thank you for the push.

I second what Jennifer asked: can you try again, with a suggestion as to where to start helping you and your lady?

All the very best...

Chris

Dear Ray,
I am sorry you didn't find what you were asking for from our conscious community. In my experience with WACCO, people are generally very willing to help those in need when they can. I have seen beautiful expressions of generosity on this board and have used it as a vehicle to help others and find what I am looking for myself.

I did read your posting, as I read many of the "help needed" posts. I believe we all have something to offer and though my offerings may be limited, I read these posts to see if people are looking for something I have to give. When I read your initial post, in all honesty, my heart went out to you and your sweetie. I looked for what you were asking for and decided that I don't have the skills, resources or money to help you. I didn't see that you were seeking words of encouragement. If I had, I would have privately responded knowing that encouragement was well received and didn't fall flat as an insult when tangibles were really of request.

Just as a gentile suggestion that may help, maybe you could try again with a clear call for help that lists things that this community may have that could help you. I have found that those who make their needs and wishes clear are most often heard.
For example, if I read you post and you were seeking any of the following, I could have helped.
Moving boxes
Fresh produce
Extension ladder (to borrow)
Sewing machine (to borrow)
Blankets
Boy's clothing (size 10)
Letter writing
Instruction on how to ferment cabbage into kraut, make jam, pickle beets, and use a sewing machine...

Today alone, I saw a post from a man seeking money to get his car out of impound. (Sorry my brother, I don't have money to give, but I did pm him offering a ride if he needs it.) Then I saw a woman's post seeking a serger. I could have helped her, but mine is already lent out to someone else. I did make a mental note to call J.Y. and see if she is still using the serger because if she is not, someone else can put it to use.

So anyway, people are coming together and supporting one another. If anything, knowing this may give you the encouragement needed to move forward.

Be well,
Jennifer Branham

[Shandi]

Ray,

I have to agree with the responses you've received from a few of the over 400 members who've seen your post.

We can all assume on your basic "need" is for shelter, even though you didn't specify it on a list. It might be that none of us can provide shelter. That's true of myself.

I've felt the same way you do, about our "conscious community", and have stated it in previous posts where I've asked for help for others in dire need, especially when I see the number of people who saw my post. It would seem that in such a large online local community identified as "conscious", that your chances would be better than Craig's List or others.

Your lady needs counseling to move beyond the mental/emotional damage that she suffers from the dog bite, and the various traumas in your lives.

Your statements:

Subject line: "Older couple needs immediate assistance" indicates something beyond "kind words" or "ideas that might help".

Details in post:
"I never asked for money, housing, or anything other than maybe some kind words for my lady, or some ideas that might help"

"And here I thought that we had grown beyond the old "kick 'em while they're down" mentality, but I see now how mistaken I was."

By not asking specifically for what you hope the community will provide, you put us in the position of trying to figure out what you're hoping for. The best way to get what you want/need is to ask for it.

Imagine yourself reading a post asking for "immediate assistance". How would you respond?

A previous post that I responded to was also someone asking for "help". I replied, asking what this person needed. They never replied....

I understand your perspective on our social system, but it does help many people. And yes, you have to follow the rules they've established. However, they don't force dependency; you get to decide about that. There are other places to seek "help" such as the Salvation Army or various churches, but you would have to know what you actually need..

I haven't seen any reply that indicated a "kick em while their down" attitude. Those who have responded seem to indicate that they're empathetic to your situation, but unsure how to help.

There will always be people who believe that their way is the best or only way. I'm sure you've learned this from your many years on this planet. Nothing new here.

I personally know that there are many people in this community who are helping people in dire circumstances. When I asked for housing help to get out of an abusive landlord situation, several people offered various forms of housing to me. Fortunately I was able to find a rental situation, and escape from the abuse. I will never forget the generosity of those who responded to my need.

I've received financial help for vet bills, when I decided to help a homeless neighborhood cat get a huge tumor removed. She had been a solace to me during a serious depression, and it was my turn to help her.

Unfortunately, you may be hurting your potential for help, with scarcasm, bitterness, and judgement. Attitude and perspective are powerful in challanging times.

update 5/25/2013

I rescind my plea for assistance. It appears as if a "conscious community" exists in name only, or that marches and protests to save some things or some people thousands of miles away are in our consciousness, since they are so distant and removed from our little protective shell, but a serious issue such as homelessness is an embarrassment to us, since it's right under our noses. Or maybe it's because we can all put on that beatific smile and congratulate each other on filling out a form to help a certain type of person we consider less than, while ignoring people who are our neighbors for not sharing our belief system, or for choosing to walk a different path. I was laboring under the illusion that a so-called "conscious community" was filled with loving caring souls, who cared about their fellow man. I never asked for money, housing, or anything other than maybe some kind words for my lady, or some ideas that might help, since our social programs are nothing more that a path which leads one to being dependent on them IF you do exactly as you're told, and conform to THEIR idea of what one should be or how one should act. I'm not Tibetan, I try to leave as small a footprint as possible, given what I have to work with, and I try to assist whenever I'm asked. But somehow, I seem to only encounter those who insist that their way is the only way and the right way. My ad clearly stated that we aren't looking for a handout, just a hand, yet that proved to be too much for the "conscious community". And here I thought that we had grown beyond the old "kick 'em while they're down" mentality, but I see now how mistaken I was. Perhaps things will change if any of the ones who see someone laying in the street asking for help, because of circumstances beyond their control, will stop judging by what their eyes tell them and listen to their heart instead. And believe me, I heard all the counterpoints that I'm sure will get thrown back at me for this post, and in response I can only say, "thanks for enlightening me."

[Ray Tuley]

It seems as though I am not as prepared to handle a major crises such as the one in my post, as well as I'd like to have thought. I was asking for something vague and ambiguous, because quite honestly, I didn't know what else to do. I apologize to the community for any sarcasm and judgments I might have thrown at you all. I have been through quite a bit of trauma in the past five years, including being ripped off of most all of my possessions, including all my music gear, becoming homeless for following the rules that Social Security dictated, and talked down to as if I were less than, for accepting her small inheritance. Beginning in 2008, until 2010, I lost three close loved ones a year: my wife of 24 years, my mother the next year and finally my son-in-law the final year. I've done my best to grieve properly if there is such a thing, but for the most part I believe that any depression that I may have had was nothing more than intensified in these later years.

I know I'm not special and that we all suffer loss of some type or another sometimes, but I have become way too familiar with the differences between what I call a "coincidental, personal loss," vs. a "malicious, personal loss". The first type of loss is what I experienced in the three years that I lost my family members, while the second type I experienced was at the hands of someone who plied me with kindness, only to throw me out into the streets two days before Christmas, with a threat of violence and homelessness against a friend of mine who is HIV+ and was very ill at the time. I heeded this person's advice and in doing so lost everything to this person. In younger days, this would never have flown, and chances are that, if this event had happened 10-15 years ago, I would most likely be sitting in a penitentiary right now.


But things aren't then, they are now and I try really hard to stay now. I suppose that one might call my inaction to take action against this thief for basically "raping" me, something like "lazy, or stupid" or something similar, but to my way of thinking the fact that I didn't hurt this person, bad as I may have wanted to, in any way, is a marker of what I hope to be,a measure of spirituality that I have been working on for awhile now.

So how does this all relate to my post asking for ambiguous help? I'm thinking that maybe, just maybe it might be used as a yardstick to measure any progress or regress, I might have made. I won't make excuses to justify my rant or my behavior, but I will say this: I will let people do things to me that I would have never let go 15 years ago, and I am coming to terms with that. Only I truly know when I'm ok, and when I'm not, and when I'm not, I let people know. I have been known to walk through downtown Sebastopol with tears streaming down my face due to my inability to understand why one person would want to lie to another, just to cheat that one out of their belongings, or to maliciously harm another emotionally in order to steal from them, and the resulting pain of being on the receiving end of that treatment. I have gotten beyond that and my only complaint is that it took so long for it to happen.

Some lessons in life, at least to me, are best learned in one's youth. Some lessons thrust upon an older person can be very painful and difficult to process later on in life. So I got most of that, and I know the only thing in life that I can change is my level of perception, and I'm good with that too. But when I saw my sweetheart on the ground, bleeding profusely, and the look in her eyes as she asked me if she was going to die, broke my heart even though I thought it had been already broken down to a point where it would be impossible to break further. My sense of self suffered a blow in that brutal attack, and though I know I did what I could to be there for her, I failed. Now I feel as if I cannot care for her, or even provide safety for her, and she is all I have left in this life. If anything took her from me, I might go on, but I know in my heart I would never be the same person.

I try to laugh and make others laugh, but honestly, it's getting harder to breath, much less laugh. So if my response was sarcastic, and judgmental, again my apologies. And I still know no more about what help we need, but I think wise words might be at the top of the list.

I used to jokingly say that "I don't march to the beat of a different drummer...I am that different drummer." Well the marching has stopped for me and all I want is for my lady and I to be safe, and sheltered somewhat, so we can do things people our age might do, or new things we might discover we like, but with constantly being on the move, always looking for another place to spend the night peacefully with being harassed is a serious impediment to those things. If I can think of anyway you could help, I would ask. Again, my apologies, and thank you. I know I'm not as articulate as I was not so long ago, so...

[Shandi]

Ray,

I appreciate your efforts to explain your thoughts and feelings expressed in your post. Yes, you've had a lot of losses, and have suffered at the hands of malicious people. I have close friends who have had similar experiences, and have been beaten down for many years.

None of us has true security or safety, but we believe we do, and that helps us to get through each day. So, that's not really something that anyone can offer.

You indicate that you don't know what you want, or what to ask for, other than wise words. If I were in your position, I'd admit that I need specific help, along with those "wise words".

If you were to ask for housing, you might consider what you could offer in return for that. There may be someone on this board who has a room, and could use some help in exchange. It happens all the time. I know of a man who was homeless due to unemployment, and I was able to connect him with someone who needed assistance in their home.

That's what I'd do if I were in your position. It seems that housing would be a primary need. You haven't mentioned if you have any income, or how you're managing to eat.

I'm truly sorry that you and your lady are suffering so much in this crisis, and wish I could offer what I think you need.

It seems as though I am not as prepared to handle a major crises such as the one in my post, as well as I'd like to have thought. ...

[Chris Dec]

Ray, I keep thinking of the malicious dog who bit your partner. Did you get any medical assistance, legal help, financial settlement from the owner? Insurance companies (if the person was insured) will give pain and suffering over and above medical expenses for the exact ailment from which she suffers: shock, a sense of not being safe, post trauma stress.

----------
"...when I saw my sweetheart on the ground, bleeding profusely, and the look in her eyes as she asked me if she was going to die, broke my heart even though I thought it had been already broken down to a point where it would be impossible to break further. My sense of self suffered a blow in that brutal attack, and though I know I did what I could to be there for her, I failed. Now I feel as if I cannot care for her, or even provide safety for her, and she is all I have left in this life. If anything took her from me, I might go on, but I know in my heart I would never be the same person...."

[Quidonyx]

Ray,
As an ex-plaintiff's negotiator, I have to echo what Wink said...Do you know this animal or it's owner? What were the circumstances that lead to this vicious attack? Did you file a police report? Please be as detailed as possible.

Help us to understand what transpired, so hopefully we can help you...You are not responsible for what this animal did, nor have you "failed"in your attempts to care for her. Quite the opposite! Please don't take on the mantle of guilt as you were not responsible for this tragedy. I can but only imagine the frustration you must experiencing.

Ray, I keep thinking of the malicious dog who bit your partner. Did you get any medical assistance, legal help, financial settlement from the owner? Insurance companies (if the person was insured) will give pain and suffering over and above medical expenses for the exact ailment from which she suffers: shock, a sense of not being safe, post trauma stress.

----------
"...when I saw my sweetheart on the ground, bleeding profusely, and the look in her eyes as she asked me if she was going to die, broke my heart even though I thought it had been already broken down to a point where it would be impossible to break further. My sense of self suffered a blow in that brutal attack, and though I know I did what I could to be there for her, I failed. Now I feel as if I cannot care for her, or even provide safety for her, and she is all I have left in this life. If anything took her from me, I might go on, but I know in my heart I would never be the same person...."

[Ray Tuley]

Thank you for your kind responses. My girl was taken by ambulance to Sutter, where she was treated. Animal control took the dog and euthanized it, and my lady is currently seeking legal assistance. As of this post, we are still homeless with no decent prospect of a home to call our own.

Ray, I keep thinking of the malicious dog who bit your partner. Did you get any medical assistance, legal help, financial settlement from the owner? Insurance companies (if the person was insured) will give pain and suffering over and above medical expenses for the exact ailment from which she suffers: shock, a sense of not being safe, post trauma stress.

----------
"...when I saw my sweetheart on the ground, bleeding profusely, and the look in her eyes as she asked me if she was going to die, broke my heart even though I thought it had been already broken down to a point where it would be impossible to break further. My sense of self suffered a blow in that brutal attack, and though I know I did what I could to be there for her, I failed. Now I feel as if I cannot care for her, or even provide safety for her, and she is all I have left in this life. If anything took her from me, I might go on, but I know in my heart I would never be the same person...."