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  1. TopTop #1
    Barry's Avatar
    Barry
    Founder & Moderator

    Making the first move


    When I was at a dance yesterday, I said to myself, "I'd be open to dancing with her but she'll need to make the first move". That got me thinking about "first moves" and I thought it would be fun to kick it around with you "guys", both singles and couples (and otherwise organized )

    As the default context for this discussion, let's say it applies to approaching somebody that you are attracted to (even if you are attached, and but none the less are interested in some sort of connection). But you're also welcome to talk about first moves after a fight, when negotiating, or any other context if you clue us in.

    What's the first move? Eye contact? Words? Invite for a date? Physical contact?

    Do you have a general strategy when it comes to first moves? (I do, but I'll share that later)

    Do you prefer it if someone else makes the first move?

    Do you have any good first move stories? Or first moves you wish you had made?

    Is it best to lead with with a question? Add a casual physical touch? Flowers?

    Do you have an opinion about whether men or women should make the first move?

    Are there times you want to make the first move, but don't know what to do?

    And what about first moves when it comes to expanding a professional relationship to something more?

    Interestingly enough, not long after I had the thought about the person at the dance, after not really giving much thought to her before, she reached out to me! So maybe the first move in my case was me having the thought!

    Don't be shy... What's up for you when it comes to first moves??
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  3. TopTop #2
    Evalena Rose's Avatar
    Evalena Rose
    Supporting Member

    Re: Making the first move

    First Moves - great question. I like when the other makes the first move as it's flattering, though I'm very willing to hold eye contact and initiate conversation. In a situation of feeling attracted to a man, I try to think of how I'd respond if it were a woman I want to be friends with because there I'm very open to saying I really enjoy our connection and perhaps we could do lunch or a walk together. If I'm interested in dating someone, it's a bit more challenging for me and I realize that's about what story I'm telling myself.

    Leading with questions is good if you're genuinely interested, though I sometimes find it hard to discern what questions to ask. Once the conversation is going, it's easier. Yes, there are times I'd wished I'd made a first move, or spoken just after the opportunity passed. Now, I realize it's important to speak up quickly, especially in a party or event, as things can shift away from having an option to go deeper pretty quickly.

    I think many of us still have cultural taboos against women making the first moves, yet if I don't take the chance, I'll never know what might be possible. I'll be really curious to see what others have to say on this.

    Blessings,
    Evalena
    Last edited by Barry; 08-03-2012 at 04:34 PM.
    Evalena Rose, M. A., MetaTherapist, Channel 707/ 824-1118 www.lovejourneytantra.com
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  5. TopTop #3
    amical
     

    Re: Making the first move

    Making the first move is difficult for me, but remembering the times I've let an opportunity go by never to come around again, has given me courage! I was very attracted to a man who worked in a grocery store a few years ago, and talked it over with the three other women I was staying with who had different opinions about what I should do about it. Finally I did go back to the store, sought out the man, and told him I'd like to get to know him better if he wasn't in a committed relationship. He explained he was married, had just moved to the area and started this job, but thanked me for my interest. I thought, well who wouldn't be happy to know someone was attracted to them, even if nothing came from it?

    Amy

    Quote Onlyonebeing wrote: View Post
    First Moves - great question. I like when the other makes the first move as it's flattering, though I'm very willing to hold eye contact and initiate conversation. In a situation of feeling attracted to a man, I try to think of how I'd respond if it were a woman I want to be friends with because there I'm very open to saying I really enjoy our connection and perhaps we could do lunch or a walk together. If I'm interested in dating someone, it's a bit more challenging for me and I realize that's about what story I'm telling myself.

    Leading with questions is good if you're genuinely interested, though I sometimes find it hard to discern what questions to ask. Once the conversation is going, it's easier. Yes, there are times I'd wished I'd made a first move, or spoken just after the opportunity passed. Now, I realize it's important to speak up quickly, especially in a party or event, as things can shift away from having an option to go deeper pretty quickly.

    I think many of us still have cultural taboos against women making the first moves, yet if I don't take the chance, I'll never know what might be possible. I'll be really curious to see what others have to say on this.

    Blessings,
    Evalena
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  7. TopTop #4
    WhirledWords's Avatar
    WhirledWords
     

    Re: Making the first move

    I loved the way you phrased your request, "I'd like to get to know you better, if you're not in a committed relationship." That is refreshingly direct. IF that guy had been available, I'm sure you would have had an opportunity for exactly what you asked for...to know him better, and see what would come of it.

    Gender stereotypes aside, making the first move means being willing to be vulnerable, and exposing ourselves to the possibility of a rejection. In matters of vulnerability and rejection our logical objectivity sometimes makes little headway against our emotional reactions. So tell yourself a new story about who you are at that moment. I am not a rejected person. I am a brave adventurer in the territory of relationship. I will keep on the journey with a heart full of hope. I didn't hide.

    Quote amical wrote: View Post
    Making the first move is difficult for me, but remembering the times I've let an opportunity go by never to come around again, has given me courage! I was very attracted to a man who worked in a grocery store a few years ago, and talked it over with the three other women I was staying with who had different opinions about what I should do about it. Finally I did go back to the store, sought out the man, and told him I'd like to get to know him better if he wasn't in a committed relationship. He explained he was married, had just moved to the area and started this job, but thanked me for my interest. I thought, well who wouldn't be happy to know someone was attracted to them, even if nothing came from it?

    Amy
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  9. TopTop #5
    Barry's Avatar
    Barry
    Founder & Moderator

    Re: Making the first move

    Thanks for "making the first move" on this thread in quite a while, Bob! Perhaps it will help those of you out there who are feeling a bit shy to make your first move... here or out there...but do let us know.

    I'm guessing the reluctance to talk about this subject is indicative of the conflicts many of us feel about making a first move. Go on, be brave. Please share what's up for you when it comes to first moves...

    I've included my original invitation below for reference.

    Quote WhirledWords wrote: View Post
    I loved the way you phrased your request, amical, "I'd like to get to know you better, if you're not in a committed relationship." That is refreshingly direct. IF that guy had been available, I'm sure you would have had an opportunity for exactly what you asked for...to know him better, and see what would come of it.

    Gender stereotypes aside, making the first move means being willing to be vulnerable, and exposing ourselves to the possibility of a rejection. In matters of vulnerability and rejection our logical objectivity sometimes makes little headway against our emotional reactions. So tell yourself a new story about who you are at that moment. I am not a rejected person. I am a brave adventurer in the territory of relationship. I will keep on the journey with a heart full of hope. I didn't hide.


    Quote Barry wrote: View Post

    When I was at a dance yesterday, I said to myself, "I'd be open to dancing with her but she'll need to make the first move". That got me thinking about "first moves" and I thought it would be fun to kick it around with you "guys", both singles and couples (and otherwise organized )

    As the default context for this discussion, let's say it applies to approaching somebody that you are attracted to (even if you are attached, and but none the less are interested in some sort of connection). But you're also welcome to talk about first moves after a fight, when negotiating, or any other context if you clue us in.

    What's the first move? Eye contact? Words? Invite for a date? Physical contact?

    Do you have a general strategy when it comes to first moves? (I do, but I'll share that later)

    Do you prefer it if someone else makes the first move?

    Do you have any good first move stories? Or first moves you wish you had made?

    Is it best to lead with with a question? Add a casual physical touch? Flowers?

    Do you have an opinion about whether men or women should make the first move?

    Are there times you want to make the first move, but don't know what to do?

    And what about first moves when it comes to expanding a professional relationship to something more?

    Interestingly enough, not long after I had the thought about the person at the dance, after not really giving much thought to her before, she reached out to me! So maybe the first move in my case was me having the thought!

    Don't be shy... What's up for you when it comes to first moves??
    Last edited by Barry; 02-27-2013 at 07:17 PM.
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