Ask Linda: Sex and New Relationship (or when to get naked)

[Peter Schurch]

Hi Linda,

I have a question about a new relationship which I'm just beginning. We have known each other as dance friends for several years, but recently, we have decided to pursue a romance. We are trying to go slow and not get into my normal head over heals bliss of mating and projection.

My question is what can you do to not get sexual too quickly? Do you think it's a good idea to wait on becoming intimate and how long do you recommend waiting?

Hanging in there---Peter

[Mrs. Wacco]

Hi Linda,

I have a question about a new relationship which I'm just beginning. We have known each other as dance friends for several years, but recently, we have decided to persue a romance. We are trying to go slow and not get into my normal head over heals bliss of mating and projection.

My question is what can you do to not get sexual too quickly? Do you think it's a good idea to wait on becoming intimate and how long do you recommend waiting?

Hanging in there---Peter

Peter - Thanks for the question, and what a question! But first - sorry for my delayed response; been away at the World Music Festival in Grass Valley (was great!) and I had a chance to cogitate on my response. (I took so long you may have already had sex)

The simple answer to your response is - don't have sex if you don't want to get sexual quickly because you fall "in love" if you do and you sound like (maybe?) you want to break that pattern. Recommendation of time to wait? Sorry - I have no idea. The "Rules" say 5 dates. I know women who say 3 dates. I say whenever it feels right.

Personally, I don't "recommend" waiting, unless that's what serves you best. Having been a very sexual being, I always wanted to know that aspect of a person sooner rather than later (Sometimes, that's all I wanted to know :-)) However, I was never someone who went head over heals ga-ga "in love" just because I had good sex with someone. I just enjoyed for however long something lasted.

While I understand that once folks become intimate, all emotional hell can break lose, I don't believe it has to be that way. Sex does NOT, I repeat, does NOT = love. It is an expression of love and can shift a relationship to love but in and of itself, is not. But if it does lead to love, ENJOY! Whether it lasts 5 days , 5 months or 5 years or forever, just enjoy the moment. Just don't get caught up in - What does this mean? where is the relationship going? Why didn't he/she call? Don't you dare look at someone else!

We humans like to assign the meaning of love to sex and then all its attendant expectations and attachments. That's when you get into trouble. If you're someone who does that and it sounds like maybe you are ("...not get into my normal head over heals bliss of mating and projection.") then it's your head that needs the slowing down, not your genitals. If you cannot separate the two, then go slow and try to find the balance that works for you.

My question to you is: what are you afraid of?

Linda
__________________

[thewholetruth]

Hi Peter. If you don't want to get sexual too quickly, don't be alone with her in private. Don't take your clothes off helps, too! LOL My personal policy is that if I want to get intimate with her, I might end up making babies with her. Do I want to create a child I won't be allowed to raise (worst case scenario, of course, that she dumps me after getting pregnant)? If I love her enough to risk making babies, I can ask her to marry me. If she doesn't want to marry me, then I don't want to make babies with her, and I won't risk that. The babies pick up the tab for our inability to excercise self-control, and once you see her naked, it doesn't even matter if she's mean, rude or controlling! LOL Something happens inside of us and we become tangled up in relationships that we don't belong in. Hope this helps with some perspective.

Hi Linda,

I have a question about a new relationship which I'm just beginning. We have known each other as dance friends for several years, but recently, we have decided to pursue a romance. We are trying to go slow and not get into my normal head over heals bliss of mating and projection.

My question is what can you do to not get sexual too quickly? Do you think it's a good idea to wait on becoming intimate and how long do you recommend waiting?

Hanging in there---Peter

[MsTerry]

Peter

I applaud your vulnerability and find it remarkable refreshing that you are willing to explore different avenues to get to a woman's heart.
Since you posted this about a year ago, are you willing to share if you found sweetness and success? And how was/is your journey?

Hi Linda,

I have a question about a new relationship which I'm just beginning. We have known each other as dance friends for several years, but recently, we have decided to pursue a romance. We are trying to go slow and not get into my normal head over heals bliss of mating and projection.

My question is what can you do to not get sexual too quickly? Do you think it's a good idea to wait on becoming intimate and how long do you recommend waiting?

Hanging in there---Peter

[Lenny]

Peter
I applaud your vulnerability and find it remarkable refreshing that you are willing to explore different avenues to get to a woman's heart.
Since you posted this about a year ago, are you willing to share if you found sweetness and success? And how was/is your journey?

I like your language, Ms. Terry, and it is true in an old fashion sort of way. But this young man may not think in such terms as "get to a woman's heart", which gives me hope for the human species. Such language calls up, for me and most fellows, a notion that you've (women) have something we (males) WANT. And though true, it may also be seen as we all want to share something. We all wish to share something different and special; it may not even be sexual!!!!
But at that young age, it probably is.....just hoping for a more gentle, sharing, and caring species. As oppose to the one going around when I was a young man: 4F mentality!
PS: hope he does reply.