Dear Linda,
I have had a string of really bad relationships in the past. I've been trying to become more aware of the ways I set myself up for failure. A large part of the problem is that I have tended to choose dysfunctional guys. Or at least guys who make me seem functional by comparison.
I recently met a wonderful guy, and we started seeing each other. This man is not a loser. He has a job, lots of friends and hobbies, and is my intellectual equal. We are very attracted to each other, and we have amazing sex.......by far the most positive, healthy sex I've ever had.
The only problem is that I'm incredibly self-conscious around him. I am terribly intimidated by how awesome he is. I am used to very dysfunctional men, and its almost like I don't know how to handle a dude who has his shit together. What it really comes down to is, this relationship is very important to me, and I don't want to screw it up. But the very fact that I don't want to screw it up seems to be doing just that! I am so shy around him that I barely say a word. When I do talk, it never comes out the way I
mean it, and I always feel like I make an ass out of myself. I want to know more about him, and I want to show him who I am, but I can't seem to do it. I am so worried that my near-muteness will cause him to lose interest in me, at least as a candidate for a real relationship.
The weirdest part is that I am definitely not always this shy or this insecure. It depends so much on the person I am dealing with. Around some people, I have difficulty shutting up! I am quite aware of my good points: I am smart, pretty, caring, affectionate, creative, and original, and I can be very fun to be around. But for some reason, I can't seem to communicate any of these qualities to him......or even think of anything interesting to say! I wish more than anything that I could relax and just be myself around him, because I know that he would like the real me better than the mute me.
So I guess my question is, can you think of any way that I can chill out around this guy and be more authentic? I want to show him that I'm actually an interesting person with stuff to say, and that I like him a lot....more than a lot. At the same time, I don't want to put any pressure on him, or scare him away with talk of relationships (we havent discussed our status at all.......its definitely more than just sex, but I wouldn't say I'm his girlfriend). I know I should be grateful for the time I spend with him, and not worry so much or be attached to specific results, but the fact is, I really want this to work and its stressing me out insanely.
Any advice? Sorry about the incredible length of this letter......I don't really have anyone to discuss this stuff with.
Thanks a lot!
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I can relate to your situation. I once had a lover around whom I felt less than. Not quite to the extent that you indicate but I know the feeling.
First off, relax! get that he likes you now, however you're being. Otherwise we can assume he wouldn't be hanging with you. so do not guess that he'd like you more if you were different. You're worrying about something that you can have no affect on. (you know worrying is a useless exercise) He may or he may not like you more, you don't know. Or has he noted something about your behavior? Is he acting different towards you? Not calling you as often? Has his behavior changed or are you projecting? (if so, STOP) The important part is that you be yourself, as you state. You can control this.
To that end - the second and MOST important step- you are worth him!!! Women often choose lesser men because they don't think they deserve better or deserve to be truly loved, not so they can feel better about themselves. I know this one too. We are all worthy of being loved.
So a man has shown up that is worthy of you. That says something about you. feel good about this. And understand that he’s come your way because of something you did different in your life. Maybe something as simple as becoming aware of the ways you have set yourself up in the past. Don’t pick a new way to fail but see this as a way to succeed. Your self –talk needs to change from "I'm screwing this up" "I’m making an ass of myself" to "wow! Check out the guy I attracted. Finally a man worthy of me!" Is there a place within you that needs some healing around being loved for who you are? Our “deservedness” factor often comes from not being unconditionally loved as a kid. A place to explore.
And – do not discuss your "status" or where the relationship’s going or not. That’s the quickest way to scare off a guy. Just be. I know, easier said than done but really the truth of the matter.
I have to run. I can write more but must go. I hope this helps. If you have more ??? please ask.
Linda