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  1. TopTop #1
    Mrs. Wacco's Avatar
    Mrs. Wacco
    Behind every great man...

    Ask Linda: Multiple dating partners

    Quote When it rains it pours! I have several men who are interested in spending time with me. This is not a problem except that I have never been in this situation before while wanting to have all my relationships be conscious, honest and authentic. I am not really sure how to dance this dance with grace and ease - especially since I have already initiated the beginnings of intimacy with one - yes, I got to make out last night! woo hoo :-). So my question for you - and maybe for the Wacco population in general - What do you think is the best possible approach to 'dancing' with several partners at once (dating two or three men at once) and having various levels of intimacy going on? I really would rather not give up sex until I settle on one particular man with whom I wish to spend my time - cause who knows when that is going to be (though this is my ultimate goal). I want to be open to what is showing up for me and I want to be clear and honest in all my communications with everyone in my life and I am unsure of how to best navigate these unknown waters. It is a very exciting time and I feel I am up for this (or else it would not be showing up) and I am a bit like a fledgling about the actual execution of such a dance.


    Dear Lucky Girl,

    Great question!

    I congratulate you on breaking with convention and being brave enough to do this particular dance! I say, ENJOY without judgment! Not everyone can do this or is willing to. So finding your way to what works for you and all involved is very important. You may even discover this doesn't work for you but you'd never know if you didn't step into it.

    A key factor that plays into doing this successfully is the ability to appreciate and enjoy just what shows up without the BIG agenda (is he the one? will he call tomorrow?) Having this frame of mind allows grace and ease in this arena. Just be present to what's real for you in the moment. Feel like having sex? Have it!

    Having engaged in the multiple dating partner realm, I always found honesty to be the best policy. You don't want anyone operating under any false impressions or assumptions, especially if the relationship is going towards intimacy. Nor do you want to be operating under any false premises, so always make sure to ask if you're sharing.

    Now, there are a couple of approaches to speaking your truth (timing is everything), but first and foremost, always be true to yourself!

    1: Tell the entire story on the first date. Then there are no questions and everyone knows the field they're playing in. Something like, "I'm not in a committed relationship now and I like to be open to all experiences. So I wanted you to know I'm dating other men."
    Or ask them first what's up for them. That will tell you a lot about them and how they might receive your info.

    Be forewarned, you do run the risk of "scaring" away some men. The double standard is alive and well. I'm a big fan of being one's own true self and being accepted for who you are. If you scare someone away for being you, would you want to date them?
    However, sometimes you may not want to scare someone away, so pacing is a good thing and this leads to....

    2: Wait until the 2nd or 3rd date: This gives you some time to decide how much you like them, whether you want to get intimate, maybe you like them better than another and you narrow the field, maybe you don't like them and you have no need to tell them, etc. This also gives them time to get to know you and they may be better able to hear what you're up to and accept it because they like and respect you (a third of a loaf is better than no loaf!). Same words as above. In this scenario, you must reveal all before getting sexual. And of course, practice safe sex!

    I hope this is helpful. If it leads to more questions for you, please ask.

    Yours in truth (and fun!)
    Linda
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  2. TopTop #2
    saysni
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    Re: Ask Linda: Multiple dating partners

    Speakng from the male perspective (in physical form at least) i concur with Linda's assessment of the situation. It's just about verbatim what my thoughts are. The main thing is to be true to, and honest with, youself. Just as important is your ability to articulate to your dates what you're up to.
    And equally important is to enjoy the dance. Music please...
    -Stuart
    Quote Posted in reply to the post by Mrs. Wacco:
    Dear Lucky Girl,

    Great question!

    I congratulate you on breaking with convention and being brave enough to do this particular dance! I say, ENJOY without judgment! Not everyone can do this or is willing to. So finding your way to what works for you and all involved is very important. You may even discover this doesn't work for you but you'd never know if you didn't step into it...
    Last edited by Barry; 11-01-2006 at 12:08 PM.
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