What Happens at a Death Cafe?

[Shepherd]

Putting “death” and “café” together seems odd. In the United States, many ignore mortality. Most Americans tend not to accept that they will die, much less talk openly about it, especially with strangers. Going to a favorite café is something to enjoy. Being in a café talking about death may not seem appealing, yet it can be invigorating.

Death Cafes began in Europe. More than 5,400 monthly Death Cafes now exist in over 52 countries. Initiated in 2010 by John Underwood in London, they soon began happening in Sonoma County. Adults sit around tables, share snacks and tea, and talk about their experiences, hopes, and fears. The idea is to create a comfortable, informal, and respectful environment, where people can talk openly and candidly.

Tess Lorraine has been facilitating them monthly since 2014 in Santa Rosa and will begin offering them in Sebastopol Jan. 19, Fri., 3:30-5 p.m. at the Sebastopol Senior Center, open to all adults. Santa Rosa gatherings occur monthly at the Fountaingrove Lodge on Saturday afternoons.

“As we age, conversations happen regarding degenerative and life-threatening diagnoses,” said Lorraine. “The cost of denial is that we lose opportunities for the wisdom, growth, and healing that can occur when we share authentically. Death is our final frontier and our lasting legacy.”

According to deathcafe.com, “At a Death Cafe people gather to eat cake, drink tea and discuss death. Our objective is 'to increase awareness of death with a view to help people make the most of their (finite) lives'…There is no intention to lead people to any conclusion, product or course of action.”

“Death Cafes are group-directed, with no agenda, objectives or themes. It is a discussion group rather than a grief support or counseling session,” the website continues.

Death Cafes offer a structure and format that encourage conversation. Laughter is not unusual, especially as people get to know each other and feel comfortable enough to share in a safe, facilitated environment. Death Cafes are an indication of growing death awareness.

For more information and to get on the monthly email list for Sonoma County Death Café meetings: [email protected].

[Shandi]

I've been to three Death Cafe events, and plan to continue going to more. It's always a truly heartwarming and enlightening experience. I encourage everyone to attend, with people who have something important in common, an experience in which we will all eventually share.

I'm so thankful to the volunteer effort to put forth these extremely valuable events.

[Shepherd]

Following are links to some of the Death Cafe articles which I published back in 2014, when we also had them at the Sebastopol Area Senior Center. Please consider coming "dance" with us Jan. 19, Fri., 3:30 to 5 p.m.

Shepherd Bliss : Dancing with death at Death Cafés | The Rag Blog

Feb 18, 2014 - By Shepherd Bliss | The Rag Blog | February 19, 2014. “I have an appointment with death this evening,” I explained, smiling to friends upon leaving them. Their startled faces revealed feelings such as fear and a lack of understanding. While living in Mexico, their Day of the Dead became my favorite holiday.

Dancing with Death at Death Cafes Counterpunch

[Shepherd]

Following is a link to my “Close to Home” op/ed article in today’s PD. If you have something to add about death, please consider making an online response, or even a letter to the editor. Let’s bring death out of the shadows and speak openly about it.

Two Death Cafes open to the public are scheduled for this month, to which all adults are welcome: Jan. 19, Fri., 3:30 to 5 p.m., Sebastopol Area Senior Center, 167 N. High and Sat., 1/27, 2:30 to 4 p.m., Fountaingrove Lodge, 4210 Thomas Lake Harris Drive, Santa Rosa. They are by donation. People are encouraged to bring a snack and/or drink to contribute to the cafe setting. Then we sit around tables and converse, which often includes laughter.

In her recent monthly newsletter, facilitator Tess Lorraine writes the following: "Death, like life, is both a solitary experience and a communal one. Solitude and isolation are close companions yet they are in many ways on the opposite ends of the spectrum. Some people look forward to the solitary experience of dying alone; others want to be surrounded by those whom they love or at least by professionals who can help them manage. Some would choose life under any circumstances, others want to be able to choose their death.

Because of these mysteries, the inquiry into death is more solidly grounded in how our questions help us define our values. What do we care about? What determines our quality of life? How can we assure that we haven't come to the threshold of our ending with a life unlived? How do we both connect and disengage with our environments? How do we manage uncertainty, change. loss? How do we let others in? How do we let them go?"

For more information and to get on the monthly email list for Sonoma County Death Café, email Tess Lorraine at [email protected].

https://www.pressdemocrat.com/opinio...tance-of-death

Following are links to some of the Death Cafe articles which I published back in 2014, when we also had them at the Sebastopol Area Senior Center. Please consider coming "dance" with us Jan. 19, Fri., 3:30 to 5 p.m.

Shepherd Bliss : Dancing with death at Death Cafés | The Rag Blog

Feb 18, 2014 - By Shepherd Bliss | The Rag Blog | February 19, 2014. “I have an appointment with death this evening,” I explained, smiling to friends upon leaving them. Their startled faces revealed feelings such as fear and a lack of understanding. While living in Mexico, their Day of the Dead became my favorite holiday.

Dancing with Death at Death Cafes Counterpunch

[MikeH]

After the surprising loss of a relative in December, about my own age, it gives me pause. And I realize maybe a heightened awareness of mortality may be healthy, with a re-evaluation of life priorities and what I'd like to accomplish before I get too old to accomplish much. And her son who lost his mother much younger than he could have ever imagined. How is his perspective on life been altered?

[Shandi]

Thank you Shepherd, for your efforts in spreading the word with your exquisite writing about it on several websites.

I've attended 3 of these. I went to the first one with a friend who was dying of cancer. I didn't know what to expect, but I'm open to many things, and found that it was wonderful to listen to and share thoughts and feelings about this mysterious event that we all face, or have faced.

When my friend of 25 years recently died, I knew that the Death Cafe would be the perfect place to express my grief, and to share one of the many letters he wrote to me over those years. Sometimes those closest to us are at a loss when we're grieving.

Death is usually seen as a negative thing, except for those of us who wish it would hurry up, especially if we're dealing with a loss of function and independence, which makes living a daily struggle. Who wouldn't welcome the Angel of Death to embrace us?

I'm so glad I took the risk of doing something "positively negative". My friends understand that it's just part of my weirdness. I just offer it, with no expectations, except that many will say "No, that's not for me!"

Not many will volunteer to discuss the topic of death, although it has proven to be very popular throughout the world. The interesting thing is that it's facilitated by volunteers, some of whom are Hospice workers, and there is no fee, except by donation. This is one event that hasn't been monetized, which is refreshing in itself.

Check out the Death Cafe, and treasure life even more.

Following is a link to my “Close to Home” op/ed article in today’s PD. If you have something to add about death, please consider making an online response, or even a letter to the editor. Let’s bring death out of the shadows and speak openly about it.

Two Death Cafes open to the public are scheduled for this month, to which all adults are welcome: Jan. 19, Fri., 3:30 to 5 p.m., Sebastopol Area Senior Center, 167 N. High and Sat., 1/27, 2:30 to 4 p.m., Fountaingrove Lodge, 4210 Thomas Lake Harris Drive, Santa Rosa. They are by donation. People are encouraged to bring a snack and/or drink to contribute to the cafe setting. Then we sit around tables and converse, which often includes laughter.

In her recent monthly newsletter, facilitator Tess Lorraine writes the following: "Death, like life, is both a solitary experience and a communal one. Solitude and isolation are close companions yet they are in many ways on the opposite ends of the spectrum. Some people look forward to the solitary experience of dying alone; others want to be surrounded by those whom they love or at least by professionals who can help them manage. Some would choose life under any circumstances, others want to be able to choose their death.

Because of these mysteries, the inquiry into death is more solidly grounded in how our questions help us define our values. What do we care about? What determines our quality of life? How can we assure that we haven't come to the threshold of our ending with a life unlived? How do we both connect and disengage with our environments? How do we manage uncertainty, change. loss? How do we let others in? How do we let them go?"

For more information and to get on the monthly email list for Sonoma County Death Café, email Tess Lorraine at [email protected].



The growing importance of ‘death cafés’